Shitbag Anatomy: Rob

Torn MCL & Hip Flexors
my first real injury as a youth during my snow skiing days. i know. at least i wrecked so bad that Bode Miller and all the other junior olympians couldn't run the training course for almost an hour.

Broken Nose (x3)
1. punched in the face
2. blindsided by my college roomate
3. giving a drunk piggy back to a girl in jamestown. fell directly on my face in front of 30 people and knocked myself out cold for 45 seconds. refused ambulance ride.

Sprained Right Ankle (x100)
1. got crossed up by a female division 1 college basketball player
2. skating
3. drunk camping accident.
4. body slamming the hero at mcgraw's bachelor party.

Broken Right Ankle
skating behind smitty's, stepped off and rolled it a ton. so much scar tissue from sprains that the ligaments tore a chunk of bone right off. crawled to the phone and called my sister to take me to the ER. she wouldn't park in the red zone and i had to hop all the way across the parking lot. bitch.

Degenerative Disks
can't point to a specific accident for this...just years of beating myself up. but since it became a chronic problem, i've thrown my back out in a variety of embarrassing ways: unstrapping in the lift line, moving an oakley tower, and shampooing my hair.

Torn Labrum/Cartilage Right Shoulder
high school baseball. short armed the throw down to second base gunning down runners. arthroscopic surgery partially repaired it, but my shoulder still hangs up any time i raise my elbow above the shoulder. has since slipped the socket in my sleep, paddling in surf, and opening a window.

Fucked Wrist
my range of motion is limited and it hurts all the time. after landing on it many times, i think i must have broken it at some point.

Bone chips in front elbow
my elbow problems pale to the rest of you, but i did get FUCKED UP skitching a pickup truck on my way home from the bar. I let go in front of my house...instant death wobbles and slammed in front of Civil. Also thought i broke my hand because i high fived the asphault at 40 mph.

Road Rash
too many times.

Impaled on a chain link fence
outran two west warwick cops and was climbing over a huge chain link fence to safety. just as i went over the top and they crashed into the fence. my right arm got impaled on the very top of the fence and i was hanging in the breeze for a few seconds. still got away. repping a heart shaped scar.

Liquor Dick
i was never really any good in the sack but i've really been going downhill in the last year. i've yet to apologize for it. it amazes me that girls still want to have sex with me.